


I'll whisk away your heart sigh and bury it in mine

by Seeker



Series: It's like when you lie down, the veins grow in slow [1]
Category: Memoirs of the Mausoleum - K. L. Somniate
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Gender Issues, M/M, Mild Transphobia, Unrequited Love, some violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 19:06:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9839945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seeker/pseuds/Seeker
Summary: “It’s fitting, isn’t it.” Roman paused from his fidgeting.“Fitting…?” he wondered out loud, and she raised her head to regard him, face a neutral mask.“Yes,” she said, “Hydrangeas also symbolize frigidity, heartlessness.” She smiled without smiling, a mere shifting of her lips into a social movement: meaningless. “Fitting for someone like me, isn’t it?”Or, the story in which two selfish people come together to confront themselves and unrequited love-- all through the power of lunching at Cheddars.





	

“So you… you’re...together?”

 

An uncomfortable silence ensued before, slowly, Elijah nodded.

 

Roman didn’t know what to say. He could only stare in shock, confused and small and just...hurt. Because first off, he didn’t know Elijah was gay-- not that that was bad! He had thought Elijah was asexual, which, okay, on one hand, asexuality is fluid and he just... whatever, he just… didn’t know. Hadn’t known. And to find out this way...

 

He forced a smile anyway, because Elijah was his best friend, and he just couldn’t be selfish--

 

“Seriously?” He heard himself blurt out. “Jonathan? Really?”

 

Elijah’s almost timid but determined expression slid into one Roman recognized well: grim wariness. In that moment, he had never hated himself so much as of now, for putting that kind of look onto his best friend’s face.

 

“Yes, really,” Elijah said, making a move as if to hunch into himself, but at the last minute, didn’t. “What about it?”

 

“It’s just, it’s  _ Jonathan, _ ” Roman sputtered, confused, feeling so unstable, as if his world had been hit by meteors and thrown out of orbit: off-kilter, terrifying, suspenseful. Something was welling up inside, immense, like a tidal wave ready to pull him under, drown him until there wasn’t anything left but bubbles floating to the surface-- 

 

He took in the way Elijah stood, open and firm, a rare thing indeed, and looked into gray eyes he’s seen so many times, but not like this, not so steely and determined--

 

And with a beat, Roman realized he was in love with him.

 

The tidal wave inside rose, and he felt like he was suffocating, all the feelings of love and anxiety, confusion and hurt, shock and loss, wanted to rage, demand answers on why  _ Jonathan _ , of all people, why him-- the most self-loving person to ever exist, just  _ why-- _

 

But he didn’t.

 

He took a breath, and tried to  _ breathe. _

 

“Does he make you happy?” Roman asked instead, and he watched all the emotions cross Elijah’s face, new ones he’s never seen before until now--

 

“Yes,” Elijah finally answered, and his lips quirked up in the left corner, as if he couldn’t fully hide a smile.

 

And Roman knew, with a pang, that he was too late.

\---

 

She found him like that later in the night: at the park, listlessly swinging, the slight breeze brushing his hair.

 

He didn’t pay attention, not even when she sat in the swing next to him, and they swung gently together in the quiet.

 

“I think I loved him,” Roman finally broke the silence, staring at how his shoes made soft tracks in the sand. “I love him.”

 

She didn’t say a word, but the creak of the swing’s chains gave him the impression she was, and that’s all he could ask for.

 

“But I’m too late,” he went on, watching his left shoe slowly trace something in the ground, over and over with the swing’s momentum. “He’s with Jonathan now.” 

 

He tried to laugh, to ease the pressure in his chest, but it came out as a shuddery sigh instead, as if his body wanted to express the truth. “But I’m sure you already knew that, right, Hayden?”

 

His face felt wet-- when did it begin raining?-- as he finally peered up to look at the woman beside him, at the dryness of her clothes, the blankness of her face, the soft shifting of her pale hair as she continued to slowly swing.

 

“I did,” she answered, tone even, and he wanted to laugh out loud, because how can she be so calm, how can the world be so calm when  _ he _ was  _ so fucking overwhelmed _ .

 

“Good,” he murmured. “At least I’m on top of things at this point.”

 

He tried to turn to her, to crack a joke to ease the tension, but a choked noise erupted from his mouth instead, and he wondered why the rain was so unforgiving tonight of all nights, clear skies and all.

 

“I-- I wish I had an umbrella right now,” he said, blinking away the wet, feeling the bite of metal in his palms as he squeezed the swing.

 

And Hayden smiled, the first crack in her blank mask, as she replied, “I don’t think an umbrella will keep you dry tonight.” 

 

She knew, they both knew, how he was really feeling, what he meant to say but hid, no candidness tonight, if ever. She didn’t call him out on it, and instead, sat with him as they watched his rain continue to come down.

 

\---

 

He came by to visit her a few days later, after the salt had dried on his cheeks, and the drowning in his chest tamped down to bearable levels, with a small bouquet of hydrangeas in hand.

 

The library was a serene sanctuary, a place he realized why Hayden loved to be in so much.

 

“Here,” Roman said, procuring his gift to her after finding her manning the front desk and checking in children's literature from his childhood, “As a thank you.”

 

“For what?” Hayden asked, tone light, but she accepted the flowers nonetheless, fingers gentle, almost reverent.

 

“Well, they’re thank you flowers, for, you know, a thank you,” Roman fumbled, feeling a red flush trail up his neck, “A thank you for being there for me. The other night.”

 

She hummed a little in response, eyes trained on the flowers, a finger tracing a blue petal softly.

 

“I was just on a late night walk, and chanced upon you,” Hayden said. “It’s fitting, isn’t it.” Roman paused from his fidgeting.

 

“Fitting…?” he wondered out loud, and she raised her head to regard him, face a neutral mask.

 

“Yes,” she said, “Hydrangeas also symbolize frigidity, heartlessness.” She smiled without smiling, a mere shifting of her lips into a social movement: meaningless. “Fitting for someone like me, isn’t it?”

 

“That’s not true,” Roman said, but honestly, he wanted to beat himself-- he doesn’t know her enough to say that so boldly.

 

Hayden seem to agree with his thought process, because she merely smiled, and said a quiet, “thank you again,” before heading to the back, leaving him watching her and feeling a little unsettled.

 

\---

 

Elijah and him, they’re still the best of friends.

 

Just two things have changed: himself in regards of feelings towards his friend, and his friend’s relationship status with another man.

 

Elijah doesn’t really see any changes, but Roman does, and it’s slowly driving him crazy, even though he honestly tried,  _ tried _ , to keep himself under wraps.

 

It came to head when he was heading over to Elijah’s apartment a little earlier to have their usual Friday gaming nights, and found his friend and Jonathan standing outside the complex. 

 

“Gaming night?” Jonathan’s voice sounded amused, as Roman hid behind a brick wall, unwilling to intrude. “What are you, nine?”

 

“No,” Roman could hear the smile in Elijah’s voice, “that’s Connor.”

 

Jonathan chuckled, and it didn’t sound fake like the usual that Roman has heard, it sounded genuine and… content. Whatever the two said next was lost on his ears as all Roman could do was slide slowly down the wall, eyes sightless onto the horizon as he tried to tamp down the lump in his throat. 

 

Eventually, Jonathan left, and Ten went back into the apartment, prompting Roman to come out of hiding-- and run straight into the devil himself, in all his redhead glory.

 

“Roman Sheer,” Jonathan smiled, and Roman was immediately on the defensive, wary. The older man peered at him, eyes roving up and down languidly, seeming to be unimpressed. That was a familiar reaction, at least. “Did you hear anything?”

 

“W-what?” Roman blinked, thrown by the question. “No!” Then he cursed himself, because he basically gave himself away, going off by Jonathan’s triumphant grin. “What do you want, Jonathan?”

 

The two men stood, watching the other, before Jonathan shrugged and turned on heel to stroll away. “Nothing, Rome,” and Roman could hear the smirk in his voice, “You two have fun tonight, okay?”

 

And as he sat there that night in Elijah’s living room, the two duking it out through pixelated avatars and shooting sound effects, and watching his friend’s, daresay, content (a first, as Elijah had never seemed to be able to relax, not until...recently) expression-- and Roman knew he needed to talk it out with someone, to release and vent these feelings that threaten to drown him.

 

\---

 

“We’ve always been together,” Roman told her, as she meticulously sorted books, “Ever since we were both little kids. He’s my childhood friend.” He sighed. “Maybe that’s why it took so long for me to realize that I had feelings for him.”

 

“Why are you telling me this?”

 

He blinked, surprised that Hayden had spoken up at all. 

 

The past few days he had gone to the library to quietly study, before recently, two days ago, he began chatting with her when she didn’t seem too busy. Well,  _ chat _ was a kind word. Hayden never really gave a reply, only hummed and made noises at certain parts while Roman filled the silence.

 

“I needed a friend to talk to,” Roman told her truthfully.

 

Hayden gave him a wry look. “You consider me a friend?”

 

“Well, yeah,” he said, a little confused.

 

She stayed quiet, hands patting down an unruly cover. “What about talking to your other friends, then?”

 

Roman sighed. “I would talk to Elijah, if he wasn’t why I needed to talk to someone in the first place,” he told her. “I would talk to Romina, but she was his friend first, and I don’t want to infringe on that. It could get awkward.”

 

He lapsed into silence, watching her shift books around, one by one by one.

 

“Would you like to get lunch with me?”

 

She looked up. “Excuse me?”

 

“Lunch,” he repeated, earnest. “It’s not fair that you have to listen to me babble and not get anything out of it. So I’ll treat you to lunch.”

 

Hayden raised a fine eyebrow. “You know therapy or counseling exist, correct?”

 

Roman had to laugh a little at that. “I may be a psychology major, but even I want to avoid that kind of mental dissecting.” He smiled. “Talking to you kinda does the same function anyway, just in a nicer setting.”

 

She regarded him, a strange expression on her face, before she let out a soft breath. “Alright,” she said. “My lunch break begins at one.”

 

“Great!” He beamed. “I don’t have my next class until three anyway. So, what do you want? Cheddars?”

 

“Ch...Cheddars?”

 

“Yeah! Romina says white people can be controlled by cheese, and I don’t necessarily disagree, so…”

 

“...Romina is an interesting character.”

 

“Haha, that she is.”

 

\---

 

So they start a routine. 

 

A lunch routine.

 

Every Tuesdays and Thursdays after his round of morning classes, he would head over to the campus library to study quietly until Hayden was let out on her lunch break. 

 

Today was a not-Cheddars day, as Roman solemnly dubbed, much to Hayden’s amusement.

 

“You know,” he began, tossing a fry into his mouth and chewing before picking up. “It’s been three weeks, and I’ve been the one mostly doing the talking.”

 

Hayden looked up from her sandwich plate. “This lunch outing was your idea,” she pointed out.

 

He dipped a fry into tomato pesto sauce, thinking. “Well, yeah,” he said, thoughtful. “But just because it’s my idea doesn’t mean I  _ don’t _ want to listen to you. It’s not fair if I do all the talking!”

 

“Life isn’t fair, Roman,” Hayden replied, prompting him to scowl.

 

“That’s not a good reason.”

 

“But it is my reason,” she said, sounding almost exasperated. “Why do you want me to talk?”

 

He chewed, thinking the question over. “Well, besides the fact that it feels weird when only one person talks,” he peered at her over his glasses, “But aren’t you affected by this, too?”

 

Hayden diligently lathered a piece of bread with pesto, not really registering his words. “Do you want to be specific?”

 

“This, as in…” he wracked his brain, attempting to find the words. “We’re both best friends of the people we’re in love with. But I’m confused on why you’re not as freaked out by all of this like me.”

 

The speed of how fast her head popped up would’ve had Roman worried, but the coldness of her tone was what caught him by surprise. 

 

“In love with?” She repeated, chilled, good mood evaporating. “What do you mean by that?”

 

“Er,” Roman scrambled for his words, feeling put on the spot. “Exactly what I mean? I have feelings for Elijah, and you have feelings for Jonathan.”

 

Her expression seem to grow colder, which-- hey! Good! Because she’s usually a blank slate that he can’t read-- but having animosity aimed at him was not so good.

 

“You don’t understand,” Hayden said curtly. She waved for a waiter. “A box to go, please.”

 

“Make that two,” Roman added in quickly, before rounding on her. “What do you mean I don’t understand? I think I understand? I’ve seen how you two acted around each other-- which, honestly was why I was so shocked to find that Jonathan was dating Elijah…”

 

“Oh, if you know about love so well,” Hayden said, sarcastic, the brusque tone hurting him more than it should, “Then why didn’t you notice your own feelings until it was too late?”

 

“I...I’m just…I’m slow about these things,” he sputtered out. “I didn’t figure out until it was too late. You know how oblivious I am about people, Hayden.”

 

“If you’re so oblivious, then how can you figure out anything about me and Jonathan?” She accused, eyes dark. “It sounds like an excuse. A poor one.” The waiter came and placed two carry out boxes down, and as if feeling the stiff atmosphere, hurriedly fled away with the excuse of bringing the cheques. 

 

“It’s not an excuse,” Roman argued, but even that sounded weak to his ears.

 

“Oh, Roman,” she said, and for a second, he almost could see where Jonathan got his mocking tone down pat from, “Do you want to know what I think about--” she waved a hand carelessly, “--this?”

 

Before he could answer, she continued, each word cutting and deep.

 

“I think that you’re a selfish, selfish boy,” she spat out, and he flinched as if burnt, but she went on, not caring. “I think that you don’t really  _ care _ about feelings, least of all, any feeling towards Elijah, not if it affected you. And when it did, when Elijah was taken from you like your favorite  _ toy _ was taken away, you got jealous. You got jealous and you began to blame it on excuses of love and being too late, instead of looking at the truth.” She took a breath. “And the truth is, you’re a selfish person that is content on living the way you live: privileged and easy. If it doesn’t affect you, if  _ your _ best friend wasn’t in love with someone else, you wouldn’t have cared, because anything not pertaining to you doesn’t matter.”

 

Silence.

 

Roman stared at her, shocked, and Hayden flushed, as if noticing how charged her outburst was. She quickly dumped her food into one of the carry out containers before sliding from the booth. She took one step in the general direction of the exit, and Roman spoke up.

 

“You’re right, Hayden,” he said, and inwardly, he was a bit frightened at how calm his tone was. Hayden must have been, too, because she froze, not turning around. “I am selfish.” He took a breath, to steady his nerves. “I’m selfish, and I  _ am _ jealous. But one thing you’re wrong about is that I  _ do _ care about Elijah. I’ve never seen him so at peace until now, while dating Jonathan. That’s why, even though it hurts, I’m not going to jeopardize that peace by telling him how I feel. I want him happy, even if it’s not with me.” He lowered his tone, and he could see her shift, even with her back facing him, to listen. “But I’m selfish, and instead of dealing with my feelings like an adult, I dumped it all on you. I made assumptions, and you’re hurt. And I’m sorry.”

 

A beat, before, slowly, Hayden turned her head, peering at Roman.

 

“You’re too kind, Roman,” she said quietly. “But you still don’t understand.”

 

She left, leaving Roman to stare after her in an empty booth.

 

\---

 

A week later, and he’s at one of Branson’s hosted dinner parties, sipping a glass of punch.

 

It’s been a week since the disastrous lunch outing. A week since he talked to Hayden. He would’ve tried to text her, but not only was he a selfish character, but a coward as well. He stayed silent.

 

Elijah and Romina had been by his side earlier, cracking jokes and snide remarks at Branson’s other rich guests, but they had left to go hang with their significant other.

 

Jonathan was attempting to pull Elijah out on the dancefloor, but the younger man was resisting. Though, by the exasperated but content smile on his face, Elijah wasn’t trying too hard.

 

“Hurts, doesn’t it?” A voice broke in, surprising Roman into spilling a little of his punch. Roman made a face at the new stain on his suit jacket, but turned to give attention to the newcomer.

 

“What are you talking about?” Roman asked, skeptical.

 

Romina’s friend, Dominic, merely stared back, face serene. “You, Elijah, me, Romina,” he said, as if that made sense. He waved a hand. “Or, in the English language, unrequited love.”

 

Roman reeled a little, feeling a creepy sense of  _ deja vu _ . “You think I love Elijah?”

 

“I don’t think,” Dominic said, shaking his head, “I know. You look the same way I do when I look at Romina.”

 

Roman followed the other man’s gaze to see Romina giggling, hand in hand with Jennifer, the two joyous and dancing as if to their own tune, despite the slow classical music in the air. They looked on top of the world, as if they were suns about to consume the universe, bright and larger than life: invincible.

 

Roman turned to look at Elijah and Jonathan, and while the two weren’t as bright and loud as the girls, they were something else: quiet, soft, a gentle understanding. As if the world made sense, as if it was safe and okay to be vulnerable in.

 

He looked away, feeling as if he was intruding on something private, and Dominic laughed.

 

“See what I mean?” Dominic said, amused. “Just like me.”

 

“How do you do it?” Roman said, croaked more like, because he felt like the ground was falling from underneath him. “How can you stand feeling like that, and still able to go on?”

 

Dominic hummed, swirling the contents of his own punch cup and looking contemplatively into it. “Maybe it’s because… I love her, is why,” Dominic said, thoughtful. “She’s still my friend. My feelings are my own, it’s not her burden.” He smiled, pained, but pacified, as if he understood how the universe operated. Roman wanted to punch the look off his face, and at the same time, was ashamed, ashamed for being hateful towards another person’s peace. 

 

“And you want to see her happy,” Roman finished for him instead, and the other man nodded.

 

“At the end of the day, you are your own monster,” Dominic said. “If you let your own feelings, your pride get in the way, you’ll not only hurt yourself, but others as well.” He took a sip of punch. “You have to be the stronger, and bigger person.”

 

Roman thought that over, his eyes roving over the crowd before noticing a pale head in the corner: Hayden, looking uncomfortable with the crowd, but still powering through. The two met eyes for a few beats, until she broke the contact.

 

Maybe, Roman decided quietly, he was going to have to be the stronger person instead of the coward from now on.

 

\---

 

It was a Tuesday.

 

A Cheddars day.

 

Roman inwardly fought with himself, before, with a sigh, he decided to just tank up and go in.

 

Hayden wasn’t at her usual spot at the front.

 

Well, okay, that wasn’t much of a problem, he can just wait her out. Five minutes and he was fidgeting a little, before he said fuck it and decided to go investigate the area, patience be damned.

 

Children’s room? Nope. Any of the aisles of the books? Nope. The mini study holes? Nope. The sitting area? Nope. The public computer station? Nope. 

 

Roman checked his watch: ten minutes until two thirty. Maybe she just wasn’t in today. He sighed. He’ll head out, but not before using the restroom first.

 

As he neared the restroom hall, he heard a scattering of voices. Curious at what kind of crowd loiters around the communal loo, he sped up to peek his head around the corner.

 

Hayden was there, her shock of white hair noticeable in the small group of young women backing her up against a wall. His eyebrows went up in alarm-- and went up even further if possible when one of the women, the leader from the looks of it, shoved Hayden into the wall, snarling and muttering something undetectable to his ears.

 

“Ladies, ladies,” Roman cut in, walking out and causing the group to jump in shock. “What seems to be the problem here?” He cocked his head, eyes taking in Hayden’s ruffled but seemingly unhurt state, before turning to the blonde leader. “You ladies do know this is a public library, right? Not the Judo club next door.”

 

The blonde leader flushed, embarrassed, but she determinedly spoke up, angry. “What do you mean ladies? The only ladies here is us--” she gestured at the group, “-- not that thing. He--” she spits, “-- doesn’t belong in our restroom.”

 

Roman frowned, because what the fuck? This is the twenty-first century-- not the damn biblical times. And even if it was, then fuck that. Human rights shouldn’t be undermined by whatever century anyway. 

 

“Well, first off,” Roman began, “These are the  _ public _ restrooms. I don’t see the name Carla on here anywhere now, do I.”

 

“My name is Doris,” the woman said, offended.

 

“How unfortunate,” Roman said before he could stop himself. He didn’t feel regretful though, which was bad, because what would his mother think of his impoliteness? Though, she hated bullying, too, so there’s that. “Secondly, the only ‘he’ I see is me, and I just got here.”

 

“We weren’t talking about you,” another woman piped up, shaking a finger. “We were talking about--”

 

“Thirdly,” Roman cut in, chilling his tone and silencing the lady. “I’m the son of a very influential man-- Nathan Sheer, ever heard of him?-- anyway, _I_ personally detest good, public, hard-working American citizens getting harassed in a _safe_ , public space, and it would be such a _shame_ if I had to... resort to call up my _lawyers_ \-- such as the famous, Ms. Trinity-- to have a case on our hands. Wouldn’t that be a shame?”

 

At their slow nods and stricken expressions, Roman grinned.

 

“Good!” he clapped his hands. “Now, if you excuse me, I need to go use the restroom.” He made his way to the men’s door, before pausing. Without turning around, he said, “I would also like it if you ladies not crowd this area. Children that need to go use the public facilities need a clear path; I don’t think they’d appreciate it if a whole crowd prevents them from their destination, right?”

 

And with that, he went on his merry way...not.

 

The moment the door to his stall shut was when he sat down to have a minor panic attack. He’s never really talked smack like that before, never really sounded so confident and self-assured, like Jonathan or Jennifer. To think his mouth somehow was faster than his brain and  _ not _ screw up-- wow, it was a bit nerve-wracking. A lot nerve-wracking. 

 

Roman breathed out, harshly through his nose, head in his palms. It’s okay, he’ll be okay. He just needed to get out.

 

When he finally managed to come out, he wasn’t really surprised to see the area clear, save for Hayden.

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be working?” he asked, curious, but detached. His mini freak out had drained him mentally.

 

“Yes,” Hayden said, “But Sharon values me as an employee.” She narrowed her eyes, the one movement on her usual blank face. “You didn’t have to do that.”

 

They weren’t talking about the sanctity of employment anymore.

 

“No, I didn’t,” Roman said, scratching his head. 

 

“I could handle myself.”

 

“I know,” he said, honest, watching her eyes widen a little. “I’ve seen you beat the shit out of both Jonathan and Elijah at a martial arts club a few years ago-- trust me, I know.”

 

“Then why?” Hayden was beginning to sound frustrated, a fact that surprised Roman, of all things. “I’ve dealt with this for  _ years _ , I’m use to this--”

 

“But you don’t have to be,” Roman interjected. A throbbing was slowly growing in his head. “You shouldn’t have to be use to this, not forever at least. That’s not fair.”

 

“ _ That’s not fair,” _ Hayden mimicked cruelly, and Roman watched her with wide eyes. Who would have thought the shy bookworm was a bit passive-aggressive? “Well, life isn’t fair for people like me, Roman Sheer. We aren’t handed everything on a silver platter, not like you.”

 

He stood back and just looked at her. “I’m sorry,” he finally said.

 

She stepped back. “You’re sorry? For what--”

 

“Then what do you want me to say?” Roman asked, wanting to feel angry, but just feeling… pity. “I’m sorry for trying to help? I’m sorry for being born a straight, white, cisgender male with ultimate privilege? I’m sorry for thinking I could maybe use that privilege to help others that don’t have the same opportunities as me? I don’t know Hayden, what should I say?”

 

Hayden merely stared back.

 

He rubbed the bridge of his nose, exhausted. “I’m sorry,” he said again, soft this time. “I’m sorry that I stepped out of bounds. I didn’t mean to cause you trouble. But… I don’t know you. You don’t talk. And I’m not going to push you, but…” He looked at her straight in the eyes. “You make me weary,” he finished.

 

“Goodbye, Hayden.”

 

He pushed past her and went out the doors into the sunlight.

 

\---

 

“It’s a Cheddars day.”

 

Roman blinked, eyes a little hazy before they refocused. Cognitive psych was kicking his ass in its readings.

 

Hayden stood before him, arms crossed over her blue cardigan.

 

He peered at his watch: ten minutes past one.

 

“It’s not a Cheddars day,” he said dumbly. “It’s just a Thursday.”

 

Hayden squared her jaw. “It’s a Cheddars day,” she said, stubborn.

 

Roman watched her, the defensive way she held herself, noted the little fidgeting of her fingers, a nervous tick. It was her way of apologizing without apologizing, he realized, a little amazed that life had come to this point.

 

“I guess I can do with a little food,” he said finally, and she nodded, relaxing a bit.

 

She finally spoke up, after they ordered their food.

 

“Jonathan is my world.”

 

Roman paused, straw in his mouth. “Wait, what?”

 

“Jonathan is my world,” Hayden said again, hands picking at the napkin. She brushed aside some white fluff. “I met him when I was young, at a bad time in life. We grew up together, he and I and…” Something dark crossed her face, and her lips pursed. “I’m not...good at talking about these things.”

 

“No, no, that’s okay,” Roman rushed to reassure, dying to know the backstory but unwilling to jeopardize any chances. “You know you don’t have to tell me anything, right?”

 

“Yes,” she answered, but a wry smile crossed her lips, “But it isn’t fair if you’re the only one sharing, now is it.”

 

He smiled a little back, unsure. 

 

Their food arrived, as did a new, slow trust.

 

\---

 

Jonathan was her whole world, her light.

 

Jonathan was her best friend, she confessed one night while at the park, Roman having fallen out of his swing, the night air cool.

 

She can’t imagine life without Jonathan, she said at another lunch outing, in the middle of Roman tearing up over hot soup.

 

Jonathan sacrificed everything for her, though she didn’t elaborate, as she watched Roman fumbling with napkins to wipe at the pie stain on his shirt.

 

Roman was beginning to think that Hayden liked to reveal bits and pieces of her life when he was being clumsy and uncool.

 

They were at another one of Branson’s dinner parties (seriously, this man needed to stop, Roman was getting a little soft around the middle because he couldn’t deny the deliciousness of cake…) when Roman found out that Jonathan and Hayden weren’t on speaking terms.

 

“I thought you guys were best friends,” Roman stated flatly, watching Jonathan staunchly ignore Hayden to pay extra attention on a bemused Elijah.

 

“We are,” Hayden said, a bit sullen. “We just got into a fight.”

 

Roman looked at her, popping a grape into his mouth. “So why haven’t you two made up?”

 

“It’s complicated,” Hayden merely replied. “It’s not a simple fix.”

 

“It can be.” Roman shrugged. “It doesn’t have to be complicated. You apologize, you talk it out, you try to be better. That’s all there is to it.”

 

Hayden regarded him. “You don’t understand,” she finally said. She flushed at his raised eyebrow, considering his judgement. “It’s just… complicated, Roman.”

 

“You just don’t like saying sorry, do you,” Roman said, examining another grape.

 

“What if it wasn’t my fault?” Hayden said, offended. Roman eyeballed her, and she deflated.

 

“Even when it wasn’t your fault, sometimes you have to be the bigger, stronger person,” Roman tried to sagely say.

 

“Hear, hear,” Dominic burped, waving a glass of champagne while Rodell and Romina laughed and held him up.

 

Roman pelted the other man with a grape, glaring at him for the interruption.

 

\---

 

Roman was a bit surprised when Jonathan slid into the seat across from him, a charming smile on handsome face.

 

“Don’t you have class?” Roman asked, eyes squinching through dirty glasses.

 

“Sure,” Jonathan replied, shrugging, “But do I look like I want to be in class right now?”

 

Roman regarded him. “I guess not,” he finally said.

 

“Good, glad we’re on the same page,” Jonathan said. “What are your intentions towards Hayden.”

 

Roman paused from cleaning his glasses. “Wait, what?”

 

“You heard me,” Jonathan insisted, tone growing low. “What. Are your. Intentions. Towards Hayden.”

 

Roman stared, bewildered. “Nothing?” he tried. “I have no intentions.”

 

“I’m not as nice or as sweet towards you like Elijah is,” Jonathan said, eyes bright with a sinister flare. “If you think dating Hayden will hurt Elijah, I’m going to have to stop you--”

 

“Wait, what,” Roman yelped, shoving his glasses on to stare incredulously at the redhead. “Excuse you? Dating? We’re not dating.” He frowned. “What does dating Hayden-- which I’m not!-- has anything to do with Elijah?”

 

“I know you love him.”

 

Roman frozed. “Well,” he said, shakily, “Let’s leave that tidbit of information between the two of us, alright?”

 

Jonathan looked unconvinced, so Roman opted to go for a more indirect route.

 

“Have you talked to Hayden at all?” he asked, exasperated. “Then you’d know that we’re just chatting-- like friends do! Which some people seem to lack…”

 

“I have friends,” Jonathan said, almost absentmindedly. “And no…” A somber look crossed his face. “Hayden and I haven’t talked in a while… since I started getting involved with Elijah, in fact. It’s like… she doesn’t really care… I don’t know.”

 

“Oh.” Roman blinked. “That’s kinda weird.”

 

“Weird? How?”

 

“She thinks the whole world of you,” Roman said truthfully. “You know that right?”

 

For once in his short life knowing the man, Jonathan actually looked a bit gobsmacked. 

 

“No…” Roman said, incredulous. “You don’t...know?”

 

“Sure I did,” Jonathan tried to say, but the way he looked seemed to tell the truth.

 

After the other man left, his words echoing through Roman’s ears, he thought and thought, about just the potential of dating...Hayden. 

 

He couldn’t deny that they had gotten closer and that he, dare he say, looked forward to their lunch outings and talks, enjoyed their interactions, whether its contemplative, or just snitting each other over little things. With a beat, he realized that over the past few weeks, it wasn’t even talks about life and the past anymore-- it was talks about interests, thoughts about the world, the future.

 

He wasn’t sure what this meant. Did he like her? Maybe. But he couldn’t deny that there were things unknown, unsaid, and he decided not to pursue the matter.

 

\---

 

“Does he know?” Roman asked Hayden one evening, watching her twist around lazily on the swings.

 

“Know what?” She questioned, white hair spinning with her movement.

 

“Jonathan,” Roman answered, “Does he know how much he means to you?”

 

Hayden seem to freeze up, form stiff as the swing shifted her. “Of course Jonathan knows,” she said stiffly. “He has a gift of seeming to know what you think. So of course he knows. He has to.”

 

“Oh really,” Roman said, unimpressed. “Because I met with our dear mind reading friend a few days ago, and he made no indication that he knew that he’s basically your whole world.”

 

“It’s complicated,” Hayden said, quietly, looking at her feet. “You don’t just...say things like that out loud.”

 

“Uh, sure you do.” Roman kicked a rock before settling into his swing. He bounced up and off the ground, his words carrying along with his momentum, back and forth, loud and soft. “You open your mouth, say nice, truthful things. And everybody is happy.” He frowned. “You two haven’t made up yet either. It’s been, what, almost 3 months?”

 

“You’re not my boyfriend,” Hayden shot back, and that prompted a surprised laugh from Roman. She looked at him, a furrow in her brow. “What?”

 

“It’s just…” Roman fought to find the words. “Jonathan mentioned that, too. About the...dating thing.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

They swung in silence. Roman peered up at the sky, frowning a little. Looked like it was a cloudy night with a chance of rain. They should cut this outing short, to make sure they get home dry.

 

“Well?”

 

Roman jerked back, the swing creaking, and he glanced at the other woman. “Well?” he parroted. “Well what?”

 

“Dating me,” she said, “The thought about dating me. Do you…” He’s never seen her fumble for words so much. “...Do you want to date me?”

 

\---

 

It was a Friday night: gaming night at Elijah’s.

 

Roman groaned when Elijah’s Toad knocked him off Rainbow Road-- cheating bastard-- and turned to say so when he was met with Elijah’s solemn expression.

 

“Yeah?” he voiced, waiting.

 

Elijah seemed to war with himself, when he finally asked, “Have you been doing okay?”

 

Roman thought long and hard. “It’s been a little tough, mentally and emotionally,” he said, honest, “But I’m doing better.”

 

Elijah nodded, seeming a little placated. “With Hayden.”

 

“With Hayden--” Roman nodded, before he jerked up. “Wait, what.”

 

“With Hayden,” Elijah repeated, slow. “You two have been hanging a lot.”

 

“Well, that’s because you’ve been hanging with Jonathan a...lot,” Roman said, weakly, mind reeling. He  _ has _ been hanging with Hayden a lot. Weird. But not… a bad weird. “I mean, we’re just… friends…” But really? Sure, he sees Hayden as a friend, and is perfectly fine with staying friends, but… he liked her, too, as much as a person with a heart could… his feelings are a mess.

 

Elijah peered at him, big gray eyes staring as if into his soul. “Are you happy?” was all he asked.

 

And Roman thought about it, seeing his relationship with Hayden in a new light from different angles.

 

“I’m not sure,” Roman admitted. “I’m still...finding my ground.”

 

The other boy nodded, as if his answer made sense-- and maybe it did. Roman always had been the slowest one of the bunch to figure out feelings and people.

 

“You know you’re my best friend in the world, right?” Roman blurted out, feeling a little embarrassed. The embarrassment was soothed when Elijah grinned back, happy.

 

“Yeah,” Elijah answered, dimples showing with his smile. “You’re mine, too.”

 

Roman grinned back, happy, and they went back to their games. It wasn’t until later, when he thought back on the scene, was when he realized, with an almost choking feeling, that his intense feelings of love at the other boy… wasn’t as intense anymore. That his heart didn’t stop and restarted when staring at Elijah, that seeing him didn’t hurt anymore, only a calm peace.

 

He wasn’t sure what to think of this new development, but… it wasn’t bad. Maybe it was part of growing up.

 

\---

 

“Of course I want to date you,” was what Roman said, according to any romantic cliche movie script aimed at the easy life. 

 

But because life isn't easy and isn't like a romantic cliche movie with a cliche ending, instead, he said:

 

“I like you, but I don't think I can date you.”

 

The furrow in Hayden’s brow deepened. “You like me but you can't date me?” She repeated, astounded. “Why not?” The swing chain creaked ominously under the force of her grip. “Is it because I'm not...a real…” She couldn't finish, and Roman stared at her with wide eyes. 

 

“What- no!” he yelped. “You're a girl, Hayden, you know it, I know it. I just… don't think us meshing will be a good idea.”

 

“Oh, so it's a ‘it’s not you, it's me’ thing,” Hayden deadpanned.

 

“No,” Roman said, “It's a both of us thing.”

 

“What.”

 

Thunder rumbled, and he looked up, alarmed. “Maybe we should head home--”

 

“How is it a both of us thing?”

 

Roman eyeballed her. “Contrary to what you may think, the topics of dating can pertain to two people's own faults and reasons.” 

 

She stared at him, uncomprehending, and he sighed. “Look, I still have some issues on just...feelings. Do I like you because we've been hanging for a while? Do I like you because Elijah is dating someone else and I'm feeling lonely? Do I really like you, outside of those contexts? I'm not sure. But I know it's not fair to treat you second-rate, when you're not. I'm not going to date someone unless I know for sure.”

 

“And what about me?” Hayden all but whispered. 

 

“I think…” Roman said slowly, “that you're… very closed off. I know you, but I don't. You don't feel safe being open, or communicating, or even expressing what you want. If you want at all.”

 

“I do want.” Hayden’s face looked so pained. “But I can't.”

 

The sky erupted into light, and rain began pouring down. 

 

“Why can't you want?” Roman asked, mystified. 

 

“Because I don't deserve it,” Hayden’s voice was rising. “You just don't understand, you don't  _ know _ me, Roman. You don't know the person I am.”

 

They were standing now, the swings dancing desolately with the rain. Looking at Hayden’s wild expression, wet from the rain, hysteria bubbled up in Roman's chest, threatening to spill out. 

 

“Of course I don't understand,” Roman said, “If you don't tell me anything.” He squared his shoulders, feeling wet slide down his back, causing him to shudder. “I'm not the one playing the clamming up game, Hayden.”

 

She laughed, as if she didn't recognize Roman-- terrified, angry, and so lost. “You want to know the truth about me so bad?”

 

“I'm a selfish person,” Roman said, “And normally I would say, no, no you don't have to tell me, but truthfully? Yeah, yeah I want to know.”

 

“I took everything away from Jonathan,” Hayden bellowed, causing Roman to slip into the mud in shock. He watched her, eyes blinking from the rain, hazy with his wet glasses, as she struggled to contain herself. “I took everything away from Jonathan,” she continued, “And I'm...I still want more.

 

“We grew up together, Roman. Jonathan and I and… Dave. His name was Dave.”

 

“Dave…?” Roman parroted.

 

Hayden merely nodded, jerky. “Dave was Jonathan's friend first, but Jonathan… he was the one real friend I've ever had.” He wasn't sure if it was only rain sliding down her face now. “Growing up was hard. No one...no one saw you the way you wanted. If you don't follow the rules they know, you're ostracized, pushed away, made smaller until you assimilate. But Jonathan… he saved me. He helped me become the person I want to be. He saw me the way I didn't dare to see myself. How can you understand that feeling, Roman? How?”

 

“I… I can't…” Roman trailed off, but she continued, as if lost in her own memories. 

 

“Dave… he was my friend, too, but not the same way as with Jonathan.” A bitter smile. “They loved each other. I'm sure...I'm sure they would've grown up, to love one another, be together… if it wasn't for me...

 

“I killed Dave.”

 

Roman reeled back. “What?”

 

She nodded, and he could see the misery etched in every line of her form. “I killed him. Dave… we were friends, but he was wary with me. Jonathan had always been the kind one, the hopeless romantic, but Dave was careful. He saw the darkness in me, all the anger and fear and hopeless rage I had, towards those that looked down on me.” 

 

“You were only a kid,” Roman whispered. The mud felt sticky and cold, but it was the only thing grounding him right now in the events of truth. “You were being bullied.”

 

“Just because I was bullied doesn't justify my actions,” Hayden said, dully. “There was this kid, an older one, who was...transgender… like me. She was killed.” Hayden swallowed. “And I wanted revenge. I wanted to kill the ones at fault. Living in a small town, no one  _ cares _ about the murder of some kid, especially if the kid doesn't conform to society's standards in the first place. All they can focus on is the boy at fault- a star athlete with a bright future. How can anyone put that kind of potential in prison, especially when he was so young and just a boy?”

 

“What happened to him?” Roman was almost afraid to find out. 

 

“I tried to kill him and his friends,” she said simply, as if that was the logical conclusion. Maybe it was. “But I was outnumbered. I struggled, though… we were next to the highway. Usually...not a lot of cars go past our little town... “ Her face grew somber, hard as stone. “Dave came to help. He knew what I had planned, but didn't know when. He pulled me away, yelled at the boys. But…”

 

“But…?”

 

“I was angry,” she said, almost as if in a trance. “I pushed away from him, yelled. I was enraged at his kindness… I didn’t notice that I had stumbled away onto the highway, and a truck was nearly on top of me until...I woke up to sirens and voices.” Her voice was broken. “Dave tried to help me, and I killed him. He saved my life, but lost his.”

 

Thunder rumbled and lightning flashed. The sky was crying, and Roman was helpless to know what to do.

 

“You should have seen Jonathan’s face,” Hayden try to say, but it came out as a sob, frightened. “He should have hated me, he should have left… but he stayed. He’s too kind, like you, like Dave. Kinder, even. He ran away with me when I was about to go to a different foster family after the events, and… I didn’t stop him. I was too happy. We went on the run, lost, dirty, but together.” She smiled. “I felt on top of the world, like I could take on the universe. Jonathan helped me become invincible.” The smile faded. “His mother was a wonderful woman. Rachel loved fiercely, with everything she had. I can see where Jonathan got his strength from.”

 

Roman was beginning to feel like there wasn’t a happy ending to the story, and his fingers clenched deep into the mud.

 

“She never stopped looking for Jonathan,” Hayden said, voice a melody with the storm. “She searched and worried, when all along he was with me… we finally decided to come back to the town, only to find Rachel dead. Murdered. They said it was a painless death, that she was unconscious before she finally passed.

 

“But it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change the fact that his best friend and mother was dead, and he was alone in the world with only me, the one who took them away.”

 

At this point, they were both silent, the only sounds was the rain, trying to cleanse but only marring. Hayden had sunken to her knees, hunched over from more than just the cold.

 

“I couldn’t let him go,” Hayden murmured, sudden, and Roman strained his ears to listen. “He was my anchor in the storm, he was safety. He was all I knew. And I clung to him, even when it hurt us both because I wanted so much.” She looked up, eyes dark, the rain making them seem luminescent. “He never abandoned me when I needed him. I grew afraid… of being alone. So I shackled myself to him. It’s why I can’t ask for more… how can you ask for more when you took everything from the person who is your world?”

 

Roman could only stare dumbly, because now he knew, he knew too much, and it was… terrifying. Because Hayden wasn’t just telling a story-- this was a burden, a guilt so heavy it had defined her life and her following actions. Looking back on everything he had known about her before they had taken the friendship any serious-- it made sense. The way she never really talked to anyone but Jonathan, how she resisted friendly gatherings until now, rejecting any offer of happy or fun things-- all a self-punishment, a punishment so familiar and safe, it was now a home instead of a prison. 

 

“Why did you and Jonathan get into a fight?” Roman heard himself speak, low and out there, and she glanced at him.

 

“...I...lost my temper,” she admitted, “It was like he was abandoning me for Elijah… I didn’t want him to go.” She ducked her head, melancholic. “I do not ask for anything but to stay close to Jonathan. And now… I’m losing everything. I can’t ask for more, Roman, I don’t deserve the good things. Do you understand me, now?”

 

Mud suddenly smacked against her collarbone-- some splattering across her cheek and chin, and Hayden recoiled, mouth opening in shock.

 

Roman stared at his outstretched hand, as if he couldn’t believe what he just did, but it was too late. What’s done is done. And he was going to keep going.

 

“Yeah, I understand,” Roman growled. “And honestly? I call bullshit.”

 

“Bull--?” Hayden sputtered, before rage overtook her features, and she leaned, snatching up mud and launching it at Roman. “What do you  _ know _ ?”

 

Roman deflected the mud, feeling it slide and stick to his forearm, and he yelled back, “Maybe not like you, but  _ enough _ .” He punctuated his words with more mud.

 

“You don’t know anything!” Hayden shrieked, tossing mud, and they were both on their knees now, scrounging and throwing. “How can you know how guilty I feel, how heavy my own actions feels like? How do you know how it feels, to live with yourself, knowing you ruined someone else’s life, and still have them forgive you?”

 

“Trust me,” Roman grinned, all teeth and no happiness. “I know. Why do you think I’m so loyal to Elijah for?”

 

“E-Elijah?”

 

“Yeah,” Roman said, and he threw more mud at Hayden, because why not? “Long story short, I had a hand in ruining his life. I did something unforgivable, and he still forgave me, even when I don’t think I deserve it. But you know what? 

 

“I’m not going to let my own guilt sabotage me and my efforts to make things better. It’s not about deserving good or bad things or whatever. It’s about loving another person more than yourself, to try not to wallow in your own self-pity fest and be disillusioned with yourself. It’s about trying for tomorrow, instead of staying in the past, even if it’s safer, even if it’s familiar, but it’s not  _ happier. _ ”

 

“You think this is a self-pity fest?” Hayden demanded, but her tone was weak, and her movements faltering as she stared at Roman, in all his mud-caked glory. 

 

“Yeah,” he said truthfully. “Does Jonathan know?”

 

Hayden frowned, uneasiness clear in her eyes. “Know… know what?”

 

“All of this.” Roman gestured, as if it would automatically make sense. “Your guilt, your insecurities, how much he means to you, all of that. Does he know?”

 

“Of course he does,” Hayden snapped. “He has to know.”

 

“Okay, let me rephrase,” Roman began again, “Have you ever told him all of what you told me?”

 

“I…” Hayden hesitated, and even before her next words, Roman knew the truth. “No… I’ve never told him out loud. He’s always known me better than I knew myself.”

 

“But that doesn’t mean he knows,” Roman said, gently. He wiped his face, grimacing as the movement merely smeared more mud. “He’s not a mind reader, Hayden, no matter how good he is at guessing what you’re thinking. Sometimes, you have to say things out loud, not for you, but for the other person, so they can...understand.” 

 

Her eyes looked big and bright behind the mud: frightened and...hopeful. “But…”

 

“You’re holding so much guilt inside of you,” Roman said, soft, “And that shows how much you love him. But at the same time, this kind of love, this guilt, it’s hurting him. It’s hurting the both of you. You have to let him go, let him grow, Hayden, you can’t let your guilt and familiarity of it define your life forever.”

 

“How do I let him go?” She sounded so anguished, and he wanted to reach out, maybe give her a hug, because hugs always made things better-- it’s what his mom would’ve said. But he didn’t.

 

“You talk to him, and you begin to slowly forgive yourself by living your own life. That it’s okay to be a person, instead of the guilt,” Roman replied simply. “But… know that, just because you’re letting go doesn’t mean he’s going to leave you.” He smiled, kind. “Because I can tell he loves you, too. Otherwise, why would he stick around for so long?”

 

“Maybe because he’s so idiotically noble,” she muttered.

 

“Yeah,” he agreed, “Maybe that, too.”

 

They fell quiet, looking at each other, mud all over, the rain making rivulets down their skins in an attempt to return to the earth.

 

Then, Hayden’s lip quirked, and they broke into laughter. Maybe it sounded a bit hysterical, maybe a little broken, but it was something, something new and alive.

 

“I’m selfish, aren’t I,” she mused, smiling a smile that, for once, reached her eyes.

 

“Well, yeah,” Roman nodded, “But I am, too. Here’s to us, the selfish ones.” He grinned. “This is our night.”

 

\---

 

They decided to bunk at Hayden’s place.

 

“Here,” Hayden offered to a shivering Roman, dripping water on the floor, “These are some of Jonathan’s clothes when he comes over sometimes. You can borrow them.”

 

“Th-thanks,” Roman managed to chatter out, wondering how in the world she wasn’t freezing.

 

Hayden smirked, as if reading his mind. “Hydrangeas: heartless, frigidity, remember?”

 

“You know that’s not true,” Roman said, confidently, because he  _ knows _ now, and she smiled back, despite the water pooling around their feet.

 

“What do I do now?” Hayden murmured, as they sat in the living room, blankets around their shoulders and the heat turned on high. “Where do I go from here?”

 

Roman sipped from his cup, hot chocolate smell prevalent in the air as he thought over her question.

 

“Well,” he said, “You can start by talking to Jonathan. Have a heart to heart. Tell him how you feel, what you think of him, all that.”

 

She gave him an incredulous look, and he shrugged. “You’ve been talking to me just fine, I don’t see how talking to him would be so hard.”

 

“That’s because I respect him,” she answered promptly, and Roman gave her a dirty glare. 

 

“Are you going to talk to him tomorrow?” Roman asked, probing.

 

Hayden wrapped her blanket around herself tighter, eyes tracing the patterns in her throw rug. “We’ll see,” was all she said.

 

Roman frowned. “Will you try at least?”

 

And she turned to look at him, expression...vulnerable, yet firm, like tempered steel in the forge. “Yes,” she promised, and that’s all Roman could hope for.

 

\---

 

“How’s it going, Roman?” Romina asked, offering a beer.

 

He took it gratefully, moving to make room on the apartment balcony for her. “It’s going,” he answered, and she nodded, the two overlooking the city.

 

Having Romina over was a treat; they both had busy schedules, and with her dating Jennifer, her visits with Elijah in tow weren’t as frequent. 

 

“You know,” she began, and Roman turned to look at her, her face content, the city lights shining off her dark skin like the moon. “I never thought my life was going to go this way.”

 

“Really?” Roman asked, curious. “What did you expect?”

 

Romina laughed, and it was a bitter noise. “Honestly? Probably dead in the ground somewhere.”

 

Roman stared at her, horrified. “What?”

 

“Oh, no, no.” Romina waved her beer bottle a little carelessly, the contents swishing around. “It’s not like I had a bad life. I had an average childhood-- maybe a little rough, but nothing I couldn’t bounce back from.” Her face darkened, mouth pursing. “But I use to date this guy. He wasn’t… bad. We were good friends, childhood friends. It made sense to date him, even if what I felt then wasn’t anything more than platonic.” She laughed again, taking a swig of her drink. “I was naive, I didn’t know how to say no. So when it came to the point that I realized that, hey! I didn’t actually felt that strongly for the guy-- he snapped. Went after me.”

 

“Oh god,” Roman whispered. “I’m so sorry, Romina…”

 

“Nah, it’s okay,” Romina shrugged. “I was down for the count, but then… he tried to hurt my sister, too, and I found the strength to rise and beat the living shit out of him.” She grinned. “Then I came here, met Dominic, Rodell, Elijah, you, and Jennifer, and life has been great ever since, even if the going is still a bit rough.”

 

“Why are you telling me this?” Roman questioned, waiting.

 

Romina swallowed her beer before wiping her mouth, arm lazy. “Well,” she trailed, thoughtfully, “I guess the moral of my tale is that… life is unpredictable. Even when bad shit happens to you, good shit will follow, too. It’s always changing, and surprising you, even when you planned things down to a perfect T.” She flicked a bottle top at him, snickering at his yelp. “I never imagined a future where I’d have good friends, a great girlfriend, and three years of college under my belt. It’s just… sometimes it’s hard to wrap my head around.”

 

“I’m glad it’s turned out better for you, though,” Roman said, warm.

 

Romina laughed, and it wasn’t a hard sound, it was just her rough laughter, free and joyous. “I am, too, buddy boy, I am, too.” She gestured. “So, has life gone the way you planned it to?”

 

And he thought about how life has gone for him so far, the pain and the joys, the clarity and the confusion, from his mother’s death, to meeting Elijah, befriending him, hurting him, being hurt, falling for him, and now, at peace with the pain and goodness, from meeting with Hayden and getting close to her and understanding himself through her, and just…

 

“No,” he answered, feeling his mouth curl in a soft joy, “No it hasn’t.”

 

\---

 

“So this is where you’ve been hiding.”

 

Roman looked up from his child development text, mind reeling from Bowlby’s analysis and Kleinian theories on children’s attachment behaviors. He blinked. “I’m not hiding…?”

 

Jonathan and Hayden peered down at him, both sharing identical grins. A warmth bloomed in his chest at seeing Hayden, and he realized he was glad the two seemed to have made up, to have put such a happy expression on her face.

 

“You’re usually in the library,” Hayden said, quiet. “But I haven’t seen you in almost two weeks.”

 

“Oh,” Roman said, a bit dumbfounded. He glanced around his recent study residential area, the quiet lobby of the law school that no one usually went to because it was further away than any other building on campus. Also due to the fact that he wasn’t sure if Hayden had wanted to continue to hang with him, since speaking to Jonathan was priority. “I needed a scenery change…?”

 

“What dearest Hazzy is trying to say,” Jonathan interjected smoothly, “Was that she missed having your creepy blue peepers watching her while at work, and we were wondering if you wanted to bring Elijah along so we could have a lunch outing?”

 

“My eyes are not creepy, and I haven’t been watching her,” Roman argued, before the rest of what the redhead said registered. “Lunch outing?”

 

“Yes, Roman, lunch outing,” Jonathan snarked, “Outing that involves lunch. Where you ingest food at a certain time close to noon--”

 

“I got the idea, thanks,” Roman said dryly, “But Elijah is your boyfriend? Why can’t you invite him yourself?”

 

Jonathan rolled his eyes to the heavens, as if he couldn’t believe he knew Roman, before reaching out to pat the latter on the head gently. “It’s a friend outing, so we bring our best friends,” he explained. “Be there or be square.” He wrinkled his nose. “Though, I’m not sure why Hazzy is so adamant on Cheddars, but we’ll go there if it makes her happy.”

 

“Because Cheddars control white people,” both Hayden and Roman blurted at the same time, and they peeked at each other before erupting into giggles.

 

“Riiigghht,” Jonathan said, raising an eyebrow. “I’m going to go now and act like I don’t know you two. Ta-ta!” He waved his fingers before spinning on heel to stroll jauntily away. “C’mon, Hayden, we have business to run.”

 

“You’re looking better,” Roman said, nodding to Hayden.

 

She merely looked back, a small, unreadable smile on her lips. “You’re right,” she said, a bit wry, “talking does solve a lot of problems.”

 

Roman puffed up. “Why I’m a psych major, you get to tell people what to do and it actually  _ works _ .”

 

“You’ve never told me what to do, you just gave me ideas,” Hayden shot back. She quieted, eyes serious in a way that left Roman feeling a bit emotionally exposed, but not uncomfortably so. “I’ve missed our lunch outings,” she said softly.

 

_ I miss you. _

 

“I’ve missed them, too,” he said, feeling a lump well in his throat, but it wasn’t one of fear, it was one of wonder.

 

_ I miss you, too. _

 

She looked at him, face open, but unsure. “Cheddars?”

 

And he nodded. “Cheddars.”

 

\---

 

He and Elijah were walking on the way to Cheddars, animatedly talking about the new video game coming out and whether or not it was a worthy investment, when they chanced on the mugging.

 

“Help! Help me!” The woman was screaming, the man attempting to yank away her bag.

 

Elijah, of course Elijah, immediately went into action, going towards the man like Batman on the prowl. Roman stayed on the sidelines, inching closer to go help the lady up, because he wasn’t a hero or as brave as Elijah was, no matter what the younger boy tried to say otherwise.

 

“Are you okay?” Roman asked the lady, and she nodded, jerky, in shock still. “I’m going to call the police, alright?”

 

Elijah shouted something, and Roman looked up to see the other boy dusting his hands, walking towards them. They were maybe two paces apart when Roman noticed it: the mugger struggling to stand, turning towards them, and of course, this was Roman’s life now, because the man had to have a concealed gun. The weapon rose, and detachedly, Roman knew that Elijah couldn’t see it, wouldn’t have the time to avoid it, and even if he did, the woman would get hit instead.

 

Roman may have never been commended for his bravery, because he wasn’t brave, but Elijah was his best friend, and he’ll be damned if his friend got hurt again.

 

The gun went off, and Roman came to to pain and the feel of Elijah’s jacket in his hands, the other boy screaming words, something, god, does it matter now when all he wanted was a nap?

 

“I need a nap,” Roman tried to tell Elijah, and why in the world was he looking up at the sky instead of forward like a normal person? Also, where was the mugger, was he gone? Whatever. “I’m going to sleep now.”

 

“No, no you’re not,” Elijah said, but it was too late, Roman’s eyes were drifting against his will.

 

\---

 

He came to a dry mouth, and a heavy feeling in his stomach.

 

“Did we ever make it to Cheddars?” Roman croaked out loud, because Hayden and Jonathan were going to be so mad that they were late-- the punctual nerds.

 

“You’re an idiot,” Elijah bellowed, but his grip was soft in Roman’s hand, and past the other boy’s shoulder, Roman could see his own father nodding to what Elijah said.

 

Roman was a bit worried, because if his  _ father _ and  _ Elijah _ were in the same room together and agreeing on things, Roman must have fucked up  _ bad. _

 

“Don’t do that again,” Elijah whispered, and his voice sounded so sad, Roman felt guilty for making his friend unhappy.

 

“It’s not like I asked to get shot,” Roman said, truthfully, ripping a surprised laugh from Elijah and a snort from his father. He peered up at the other boy, wanting him to understand. “You know you’re my best friend, right?”

 

“Yes, but--”

 

“My  _ best _ friend,” Roman said firmly, as if his explanation made sense, brooking no argument, and Elijah closed his mouth, knowing he couldn’t win.

 

“If it weren’t for Hayden, you’d probably be dead,” was what Elijah said instead, prompting Roman’s eyebrows to go up.

 

“Hayden?”

 

“Yeah,” Elijah nodded. “She’s a pre-med student, did you know that? She already did her training as a paramedic. I called her after calling the police, and her and Jonathan rushed out. She managed to keep me calm, and we both put enough pressure on your wound before the ambulance arrived.”

 

“I thought she was a librarian,” Roman said, confused, because it’s like the world keeps wanting to throw him off his game.

 

Elijah rolled his eyes. “That’s her part-time job, doofus.” But his tone was gentle, and Roman fell asleep, listening to him and his father talking quietly.

 

He came to again, but this time to Hayden sitting by his bed, the room quiet. He was beginning to hate nap time.

 

“Hey,” he greeted, and Hayden nodded, but said nothing, finding interest in staring at his strangely printed blanket instead. He narrowed his eyes, a bit hazy because he wasn’t wearing his glasses, but he was sure the blanket was his childhood blanket with power ranger prints, and inwardly he cursed his father, because now everyone will know the truth.

 

They sat in silence for a long while, and Roman was about to doze off again, curse the morphine, when Hayden spoke up.

 

“Are you feeling alright?” She asked, but something was wrong with her tone, it was… mechanical. Detached. As if she was talking to a stranger.

 

Roman would feel hurt if it wasn’t for the fact that he could make out her expression, despite his bad eyes: careful, fragile. As if one wrong word could break something in her.

 

“Yeah,” he said instead. “Well, okay, to be honest, I feel like shit, but getting shot isn’t a walk in the park, so...yeah.” He swallowed, throat dry, and she must’ve noticed, because a cup was suddenly near his mouth, and he drank, grateful. “Where did Elijah go?” He wondered out loud, because he knew Elijah was a loyal and somehow stoic worrier that wouldn’t leave a friend alone.

 

“I asked Jonathan to take him to get some rest,” Hayden answered, clinical, and Roman nodded, because good, that’s good, that Elijah was doing something, because lord knows watching Roman nap the bullet off was no fun for anyone involved.

 

“I heard that you help saved my ass,” Roman told her, grinning. “You’re a real badass in the making, you know? Thank you.”

 

But Hayden didn’t smile, didn’t laugh like he expected her to, instead, she looked at him, wounded, as if she was the one that got shot.

 

“You almost died,” she said, quietly.

 

“But I’m still here,” he said. “Thanks to you and Elijah.”

 

“What if I didn’t come in time? What if Elijah and I were too late?” she pressed, and suddenly, she sounded urgent, angry, filled with something Roman couldn’t put a name to. 

 

“But you weren’t,” was all Roman could think to say, and she made a noise low in her throat, something primal and raw.

 

“I don’t want you to go,” she all but whispered.

 

Roman could only look at her sadly. “I can’t make you any promises, because life can be surprising,” he said, remembering his conversation with Romina, “But… I’m here as long as I’m able.” He took a breath. “And as long as I’m still here, we’ll have lunch outings as often as we can. At Cheddars.”

 

“You’re awful at this,” Hayden accused, but she was smiling now, a weak, anemic thing. He noticed her fists clenched tight, bloodless looking, as if that was the only thing holding herself together.

 

“Hold my hand?” Roman asked, but it came out more as a light demand. She hesitated, before nodding, and her hand slipped into his, tight as a vice, but reassuring.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said.

 

_ I’m sorry that my grip is so tight. _

 

_ I’m sorry you’re hurt, but it’s me that need the comfort. _

 

_ I’m sorry for being so selfish. _

 

_ I’m sorry I’m like this. _

 

“It’s okay,” Roman told her, because this was the first time she’s ever apologized to him, and they both have a long way to go, but it’s worth it, it’s going to be worth the journey. “It’s okay.”

 

It is.

 

\---

 

He thought he hated Branson’s parties before, but this party may take the cake, because Roman literally can  _ not  _ have cake.

 

“Come on,” Roman begged, but Elijah danced away with the plate. “Elijah, I thought you were my best friend.”   
  


“I am,” Elijah nodded sagely, “But the doctor said you have to...cake it easy.”

 

Romina howled with laughter while Roman gave him a wounded look.

 

“You’re an awful, awful man,” Roman said, but he grinned anyway, taking in his friends’ relaxed expressions.

 

Elijah placed the cake down, meandering to Roman’s side, and the two took in the scene before them: music throbbing in the air, the smell of delicious food (because Branson doesn’t halfsie anything), and the general happiness of human life.

 

“Are you happy?” Elijah suddenly asked, and Roman blinked, thinking it over.

 

He watched as Romina dipped Jennifer clumsily to the floor, the two nearly slipping, giggling the whole while. He watched as Dominic talked with Rodell, laughing at the scene. He looked up, and saw Hayden chatting with Jonathan, the two smiling, thick as thieves. She noticed his stare and looked back, her smile lighting up her face, and something in his chest.

 

He was.

 

“I am,” Roman said, and it was the truth.

**Author's Note:**

> And this is part one of the two part! All the titles of...everything, is by purity ring, a band I thought fitting for this story. I've thought about One and Roman, in the alternate universe that Two and Ten got together, and thought it an interesting dynamic. I do hope I did the characters justice, but I'm not holding my breath. Thank you, Kira, for writing such an amazing universe. <3


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